Understanding the Various Stages of Healing After a Loss
Loss an Death are facts of life. Being protected or sheltered from these experiences is not necessarily a good thing, as disappointments, hurt and emotional pain are all part of the necessary emotional range in human life.
Children can experience hurt and loss early in life, from a significant broken toy, to the loss of a family pet. The death of elderly grandparents can seem a little abstract to young children, but children are resilient and can learn to cope, depending on their spiritual beliefs, family closeness and how parents and close adults handle the situation and communicate with them. Showing respect to the deceased, telling affectionate, positive stories, looking at photographs together can all help with the child’s understanding and adjustment. Some children can feel uneasy or confused if they are excluded from being told what has happened. They can end up wondering what is going on feel unsettled or insecure. It is important to be firm, reassuring and supportive and tell them as much as they can understand.
Similarly, divorce and the breakdown of the family home can affect children in different ways. They will frequently take their lead from the important adult figures in their lives. Having someone they trust to talk through concerns and fears with can help enormously in coping and healing the sense of loss and trauma, especially if a home or school move has also been necessary. Being respectful of the absent partner and remembering that there are two parents who loved each other once and who are not wanting to split up from the children are key elements in trying to keep a balance where the children are concerned.
People can also grieve for the loss of a lifestyle, especially if there does not appear to be a ready alternative available. The loss of a career, job, business is especially difficult in later life as it can signify the end of a viable, dynamic phase and the movement into a retired or lesser stage of usefulness. Finding other outlets, in hobbies, charity work, retraining can be important in recovering self esteem and stimulus.
Some people may grieve for their lost health and lifestyle, after a sudden unexpected illness or after an attack or a crime has been committed against them. Readjustment after this type of experience can bring its own frustrations as it can be hard to come to terms with why it has happened.
The death of a significant other is something that features more and more in our thoughts as we get older. However friends, colleagues and, sometimes, young people die. Having to cope with these situations is a very difficult lesson, and sometimes people never recover from it fully.
Several stages have been identified in the grief and loss transition process. These stages can be gone through in any order, last as long as they need to and may well be repeated, until the person is feeling better again. How long this process takes can be dependant on how sudden the death or change was. Having some warning or notice can give a person time to prepare themselves for what is to come. This cycle can be applied to other areas of loss, like a relationship split or other key breakup.
- Shock is the initial reaction, comprising of pain, disbelief and even numbness or no feeling at all.
- Denial is where there is a refusal to accept the loss. ‘It’s not true, I don’t believe it’ are typical reactions here.
- Bargaining can include negotiation. ‘If I promise this, will you do that’ , eg I’ll be good if you make it right. This may be said to God/ a Higher Power or whoever is felt to be responsible.
- Anger is the stage of frustration, fury – ‘how could this happen’,’ after all I’ve done’,’ why has this happened to me’,’ I don’t deserve it’,’ it’s not fair’, and so on. This is the stage where some sense is trying to be made of it all, but where there no ready answers.
- Depression or Grieving is where the terrible sense of loss is pervasive. Not wanting to carry on, everything feeling pointless, is typical of this stage. Understanding that this is a key part of the recovery process can be difficult to come to terms with. Being gentle with oneself at this stage is important.
- Acceptance is when one is coming through the process. Appreciating the value that the person or relationship brought into our life, the shared experiences, new opportunities, and how that person lives on through us, and maybe our children, even if that person or relationship is no longer around.
Understanding and working through all these stages can help in recovering and coming to a better quality of life. We may never know the answer to the ‘why me ?’ question, but we can move on and recover a new, hopefully calmer quality of life .
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